


crack open a cold one or don't at all

by queerlytired



Series: duct tape [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Everyone Is Alive, Gen, any relationships are mostly canon bcuz i cant choose between my noncanon favs, basically a series of extra scenes we were robbed of, but like. written, every chapter can be read as a standalone, my goal is for this fic to have sitcom vibes, prompts accepted!, this more or less has everyone, very meme-y
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 16:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20261434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerlytired/pseuds/queerlytired
Summary: "Is he allowed to post that shit?""Definitely not, but have you seen the views? He's already gotten a Silver Play Button from YouTube."Bucky squints. "Over videos of his patrol missions?"-In which everyone is alive, Peter has a youtube channel, Tony has four kids and counting, and everyone is getting the therapy they need.





	crack open a cold one or don't at all

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [restitution of the innocent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20089633) by [queerlytired](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerlytired/pseuds/queerlytired). 

> so i wrote everyone coming back to life in another fic, and i thought why stop there? so now we have crack.

** _I nearly died AGAIN!!! WTF! (NOT CLICKBAIT!!) _ **

"Hi guys! It's ya boi Spidey again, coming at you with a new series of unfortunate-" 

_ "Please stop introducing yourself like that," _a background voice says in a tone that implies it's been begged before. 

_ "What's wrong with it?" _Another voice off camera says defensively. 

_ "You sound like a pubescent teen who's voice hasn't even cracked yet." _

"Ignoring those two," Spiderman says brightly. He's dressed in his spidey suit, as is the usual, today with a hoodie pulled on top. "This week I completely freaking _ totalled _ a bad guy's car, okay, and I felt SO bad! And she didn't even get mad? Like all she did was shoot this really cool looking gun my way and it turned out to have special bullets that cased lightning in them and my heart almost stopped beating, but honestly? It was so badass. I have _ zero _regrets."

Bucky stands next to Tony, placing a cup onto the table and peering at the video. 

"Is he allowed to post that shit?"

"Definitely not, but have you seen the views? He's already gotten a Silver Play Button from YouTube."

Bucky squints. "Over videos of his patrol missions?" 

"The audience demands content, Rhodes." Tony shoots him a stink-eye. "Don't hate on my kid." He clicks the next video, titled ** _I almost lost ANOTHER Father Figure??? (very traumatizing, watch at your own risk)_**.

"He doesn't know you watch these, does he." 

Tony comments below, his message appearing by the username _ alphaspideyfan7_. 

"As if." 

Jim spies a playlist by the name of _'when heroes try cooking' _and spots Thor on the thumbnail. 

"Hey, click that one." 

"I wanna watch this one first." 

"Watch it later, you egomaniac. Click it." 

"No. My house, my rules." 

Jim's eye twitches. 

"_Tony_." 

"Hey, Mister Stark, I was wondering if you could help me with my homework? My physics teacher doesn't believe that Spiderman actually shoots out webs, and I, as Peter Parker, can't contest this without solid proof, so that's what my essay has to be about and holy crap, is that my video?" 

Tony swipes the holograms away in one swipe motion.

"You have videos?"

"You were watching my videos!" Peter cries. 

"Okay, and?" Tony demands. "Don't be stingy." 

"Wow," says Peter. 

-

Tony's in the middle of ** _can u believe im bffs with the princess of wakanda (again, not clickbait) _ **when Peter swings in through the window Tony keeps open for this very reason. 

"Would it hurt to use the elevator." 

"Mister Stark," Peter starts with absolute seriousness, yet with undertones of glee. "Do you think I'm venomous?" 

Tony stares at him. Peter stares back, nearly vibrating with excitement, grin taking over his face. 

"We'll need samples to compare-" 

"And we have to use that other lab, not this lab, the other lab-" 

"-snakes and spiders both-" 

"-the one Mister Bruce uses-" 

"-should call up the princess too, she'll think of good shit-" 

"-can ask him to join, too, if he doesn't mind-" 

"-wait, why am I Mister Stark and Bruce is Mister Bruce?" 

"Huh?" 

"_Huh_?" 

"Are you watching my videos again?" Peter demands and jumps back out the window. 

"_Wow_," says Tony, and pulls up the local zoo's number. 

“How many kids do you _ have_,” Nebula asks flatly.

“Four,” Tony answers without missing a beat. “And counting.”

-

Fury calls him up after the video on ** _u will not BELIEVE who i met today (SHOCKED BUT NOT SURPRISED)_ **.

"He put actual classified fucking footage on the fucking internet."

"Yeah, and?" 

"You need to have a word with him Stark, or I will." 

Tony leans forward, giving Fury the illusion he actually cares. "I mean, technically I own the place, and if I don't have a problem with it, why should you?" 

"Area fucking 51, Stark."

Tony raises an eyebrow. 

"You talk like the motherfuckin' spider now," Fury informs him, and hangs up. Peter grins from behind the holocall. 

"Thanks, Mister Tony," he says graciously, nuzzling Goose the not-cat. Tony leans back, not entirely satisfied with the name change, but pleased nonetheless. 

"None of that Stark bullcrap, you hear?" 

"Yessir!" 

Carol mouths _ whipped _at him, running her fingers through Peter’s hair like he was doing to Goose.

-

“Why can’t you love me three thousand?” Peter tearily beseeches.

Morgan looks unimpressed. 

“I love you two-thousand-five-hundred-and-three,” she repeats flatly. Tony beams. 

“Come ‘ere, sugar bunny,” he coos, heart in his throat. He lifts Morgan into his lap, pushing the chair so it rolls to Peter and his pathetic attempts at forced tears. 

“You can love him a bit more. He’s trying so hard.”

Peter sniffs slightly convincingly. Morgan remains unmoved. 

“I’ll help you make whatever your dad isn’t letting you make,” Peter tries. The baby of the family assesses the seriousness of the statement, head tilted. 

“I love you two-thousand-seven-hundred-and-fifty,” she decides, and bounces of Tony’s lap and out of the room. Peter gapes.

“That was a mistake,” Tony says. “Under no circumstances will you do _ any _ such thing-” 

“Sure, _ dad_,” Peter snarks, and follows Morgan out. 

Tony swings around to meet Pepper’s eyes. 

“Did you hear-”

“_Oh _ yeah.”

“I thought I was ready!” Tony cries. “I’m stupid! Pep, I wasn’t _ ready_, holy fuckmungus-” 

“I _ know_.” 

Tony leans back in his chair, eyes wide. 

“Do you think he even knows-”

“Oh, no doubt.”

His wife grins at from the floor beside the bots. 

“_Damn_,” he swears, leaning down and kissing her forehead. 

“Damn,” she agrees fondly.

** _(i just called Tony Stark 'dad' by accident??? hosting my own funeral soon)_ **


End file.
